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In this honest and powerful episode, Ashley welcomes Anne Cockrell—wife, mom, and cohost of Hannah’s Heart on American Family Radio—to share her remarkable story of faith, surrender, loss, and hope. Anne vulnerably walks us through her journey of infertility, miscarriage, foster care, adoption, and the heartbreaking loss of her baby boy, John-Micah, who lived 27 precious minutes on earth before entering eternity.

With wisdom and a tender spirit, Anne shares how God met her in the moments of deepest grief—from chemical pregnancies and delayed diagnoses to a traumatic emergency C-section and saying goodbye far too soon. She also beautifully shares how God brought life and redemption through the births of her daughters, the adoption of her son, and the sacred calling of foster care.

This episode is a gentle reminder that love is always worth the risk—and that Jesus is faithful to meet us in every part of our story. Whether you’re walking through infertility, pregnancy after loss, or discerning your next step in growing your family, Anne’s story will comfort and encourage your heart.

In this episode, we discussed:

• Anne and her husband’s unexpected road through infertility and loss
• The heartbreak of multiple early miscarriages and the confusing grief of chemical pregnancies
• Their decision to pursue foster care and how loving children in crisis shaped their hearts and faith
• The bittersweet beauty of adoption and the complex emotions that come with it
• The power of surrender—Anne’s pivotal moment at the washing machine when she fully gave her motherhood journey to God
• How God surprised them with two miracle pregnancies after surrendering fertility treatments and plans
• The story of Anne’s son, John-Micah, and the devastating day she delivered him via emergency C-section at 26 weeks
• How it felt to hold her son after his passing, and the powerful peace of God’s presence in the hospital room
• Why Anne would do it all again—just to hold her son one more time
• How God led Anne to cohost Hannah’s Heart on American Family Radio, and how the ministry now supports families walking through infertility, miscarriage, and loss
• The inspiration behind the name Hannah’s Heart and what it means to offer your answered prayers back to God

If you’re facing an uncertain path, longing for motherhood, or grieving a baby you never got to raise, this episode will speak directly to your heart. Through every twist and turn, God is writing a redemptive story—and He is holding both you and your baby in His love.

Full transcript below.

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MEET OUR GUEST

Anne Cockrell is married to her high school sweetheart, Will, and is raising three children while honoring the life of her son in Heaven, John-Micah, who was born at 26 weeks and lived on earth for 27 minutes.

She founded Hannah’s Heart, a podcast in partnership with American Family Radio, in 2021 during a season of infertility, believing God was calling her to share her story. John-Micah’s life and legacy are rooted in Micah 7:7, which continues to anchor her faith and hope.

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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Episode 65 | Trusting God to Write Your Motherhood Story | Anne Cockrell

Ashley Opliger: [00:00:00] You’re listening to the Cradled in Hope Podcast. I’m your host, Ashley Opliger. I’m a wife, mom, and follower of Christ who founded Bridget’s Cradles, a ministry in memory of my daughter, Bridget, who was stillborn at 24 weeks. Our nonprofit donates knit and crocheted cradles to hospitals in all fifty states to hold babies born into Heaven.

I’m also the author of the book Cradled in Hope, a biblical guide for moms grieving miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. This podcast shares the same name—and the same heart—as the book: to help you find the comfort, compassion, and healing of Jesus in the midst of deep sorrow.

Rooted in the hope of the Gospel, this podcast is a sacred space for your broken heart to land. Here, we are going to trust God’s promise to heal our hearts, restore our joy, and use our grief for good. With faith in Jesus and eyes fixed on Heaven, we do not have to grieve without hope. We believe that Jesus cradles us in hope while He cradles our babies in Heaven. 

Welcome to the Cradled in Hope Podcast.

Ashley Opliger: [00:01:03] Welcome back to the Cradled in Hope Podcast. Today I have the joy of introducing you to someone whose heart and story are going to deeply minister to you. My guest is Anne Cockrell, co-host of Hannah’s Heart on American Family Radio, a beautiful Christ-centered ministry that walks with couples through infertility, miscarriage, foster care, and adoption. I had the honor of being a guest on their program and it was such a gift.

[00:01:26] Anne is married to her high school sweetheart, Will, and together they have four precious children on earth: Mark, who they adopted through foster care, their sweet daughters, Jane and Nora, and their son, John-Micah, who was born at 26 weeks and lived for 27 minutes on earth.

[00:01:42] Anne has also experienced recurrent early miscarriage, and she has walked through more unexpected twists, heartbreaks, and miracles than she ever imagined when she dreamed of becoming a mother. 

In today’s conversation, Anne shares vulnerably about infertility, repeated loss, surrendering her dreams to God, the beauty and complexity of foster care and adoption, and the heartbreaking day she met and said goodbye to her baby boy, John-Micah.

[00:02:07] She also shares how the Lord met her in that grief and how Hannah’s Heart was birthed from her desire to encourage women who feel alone in their longing. It is an honor to share her story with you today. I pray it comforts your heart and reminds you that God is near to the brokenhearted and that your baby’s life matters, just as Anne deeply treasures the life of her son, John-Micah. Let’s dive into this conversation with Anne. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:02:29] Welcome, Anne, to the Cradled in Hope Podcast. We’re so glad to have you here. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:02:33] Thank you so much for having me. It’s a big honor to be here. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:02:36] I am so grateful that you had me on the Hannah’s Heart program with AFA. And I know you’re going to share more about Hannah’s Heart in a little bit, but I would love for you to first introduce yourself to our listeners and share more of your story.

Anne Cockrell: [00:02:50] I would love to. My name is Anne Cockrell. I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 10 years now, which sounds crazy. But in those 10 years before that, we dated for seven. And so we’ve lived more life with each other than we have without each other now.

[00:03:09] And yet, the last few years have been years that we would’ve never expected to live through. But so far we’ve made it and to God be the glory for that because it is fully because of Him that we can still look at each other and know that we’re better together than not. And I just thank the Lord for that.

[00:03:32] We struggled with infertility. We began our relationship, just as friends, and had so much fun through high school and college, growing closer to each other and knowing we wanted to get married, but keeping the Lord central in that relationship. 

[00:03:46] And it sounds naive to say, but you don’t realize what you’ll walk through. And you’re like, “We’ve made good decisions. We tried to honor the Lord in our relationship and the things that we did.” And so it sounds silly, but you just kind of think, “And blessings come after that.” 

And so anyway, we got married in 2015. And if you ask anyone in our little town that we live in, in Mississippi, they would be like, “And it was time for that, too.” Everyone was excited for us. 

[00:04:17] But yeah, we had talked about maybe having a baby a year or two into marriage, enjoy each other as newlyweds. And so then all of a sudden, a year or two turns into four and some hard diagnosis with PCOS and endometriosis and unexplained stuff. And things like that led us down a road of multiple miscarriages and they were all what you would call chemical pregnancies.

[00:04:42] And if there’s someone that doesn’t understand what that is, it’s just very early miscarriages. There were some that I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying, but then I would have a positive pregnancy test during that miscarriage to show that I was pregnant, but now I’m not. 

[00:04:59] And so, for anyone who’s walked through that, it’s just a really bizarre thing to experience, because you’re like, “I didn’t get the chance to even celebrate this, but now I’m mourning this.” But I didn’t even know to mourn, you know, so many, “Do we tell family? But now it’s over with.” So many just weird and odd things, things that you don’t think you would go through.

[00:05:24] So yeah, a few years into that, we knew, we had talked about doing foster care before we ever got married, and we decided that it was time for us to pursue that. We knew we had two spare bedrooms in our home and our hearts were just longing to love on kids. And so we started the foster care process.

[00:05:45] And I think anyone should be involved in foster care in some type of way, whether that’s running to the consignment store and getting clothes for the new kiddo in church, or having kiddos in your home. I know it could look different for each family, but I highly encourage anyone to get involved. 

And as you’re walking through infertility, it can seem, I don’t know. I had people almost say, “Well, if you would just foster, if you would just adopt,” it would kind of put a Band-Aid on that wound of wanting to have children.

[00:06:16] And that’s definitely not what I’m saying. because that didn’t fix the mourning of the lives that we had lost or the fact of getting to experience a pregnancy, and I knew that I wanted to get to experience that. 

But we had kiddos in and out of our homes, and we’re just completely blessed by each of those situations, very hard situations sometimes, but the Lord used each of those children to grow us, Will and I, closer to each other and closer to the Lord during that time. 

[00:06:49] But in 2020, July 24th, 2020, we got a call that a sweet baby boy needed someone to come pick him up. We were told in the beginning, like, “Do not get attached. This baby might be with y’all for two months.”

And yeah, long story short, very, very long story short, he is now my son and we adopted him when he was two. And oh, he was just the biggest blessing. He pulled his first tooth last night, so that’s how fast time flies. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:07:19] Wow. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:07:21] Such a moment when you’re walking through infertility and so many losses. I know that sounds so silly and I feel emotional about him pulling his first tooth, but those are already things you kind of think, “I might not get to experience that. We might not experience Christmas crafts, coming home from kindergarten.” And so we’re just so thankful that he is ours.

[00:07:51] And he has so many big questions and things that we’re now having to walk through as he’s understanding more and more that he doesn’t look like us, he has beautiful brown skin. And so we are learning each and every day of how God wants us to handle his story. 

And so for anyone who possibly will walk down that road, it’s hard to know what their little hearts can handle, and to understand the beauty of adoption but also the awfulness of adoption as well, is that one family breaks apart as another one joins together.

[00:08:17] He was born July, 2020 and by February, 2021, that was when I would say I fully surrendered my desire to have a biological child to the Lord. 

I was standing at our washing machine as I was washing clothes for three kiddos in our home at the time, and I finally just raised my hands and just told the Lord, “God, I’m okay. I’m okay if I never have a biological baby. This is okay for us now. I give you my children, Lord,” like, “Have Your way.”

And with all my heart, I meant that for the very first time. I think I had sort of made myself think those things and really want to mean them, but before that day, I really don’t think that I did. 

[00:09:17] And we stopped all, during that time, I had had two different surgeries and had taken Clomid and some other fertility meds. And we were told, “IVF is going to be your only option.” We had done a few IUIs and we just didn’t feel comfortable walking the IVF route. 

I’m not saying I fully disagree with IVF. I know that beautiful, beautiful families are made through IVF, but there were just some things we didn’t feel comfortable with and we didn’t feel like the Lord was calling us to do that. 

[00:09:40] So we didn’t proceed anywhere else. We just continued to foster. And three short months later, I found out I was pregnant. And that sweet baby girl just turned three and her name is Jane. And we cannot believe our eyes, that she was here and she was healthy and yeah. And so then we had an 18-month-old and a newborn, and so life then looked crazy in all the best kind of ways.

Ashley Opliger: [00:10:09] Anne, what a story, and I know there’s more for you to share. I really am moved by your story of surrender because as you had said, adoption is beautiful, but it’s also hard. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:10:24] Mm-hmm. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:10:24] And adoption doesn’t take the place of the babies that you lost. And it also doesn’t take the place of the desire for biological children, but at the same time the Lord had led you to a place of surrender. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:10:37] Yes. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:10:37] Where you had that ‘Even if’ kind of faith, “Even if I don’t have biological children, even if this doesn’t happen, I’m going to be okay because I believe and trust in You.” 

[00:10:48] And that can be a really, really hard place to be when you are walking through miscarriages, pregnancy loss, infertility, all the waiting, the ups and downs, the rollercoaster. 

I went through infertility and did the different medications. And we didn’t end up doing IUI, we didn’t need to do that, but my husband and I were in the same position as you, that IVF was not an option. 

[00:11:18] That is not to say to shame anyone who has-

Anne Cockrell: [00:11:21] No.

Ashley Opliger: [00:11:21] … gone through that or is considering that, but in my personal biblical beliefs and moral and ethical beliefs, that was not something that I was willing to pursue. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:11:34] Right. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:11:34] And that can be a whole ‘nother conversation for another day.

Anne Cockrell: [00:11:36] Oh yeah. That’s a whole other show.

Ashley Opliger: [00:11:38] It is. And I’m kind of in the minority on that, to be honest with you, Anne. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:11:42] Yes. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:10:43] My viewpoints on IVF, and it can be a really heated hot topic, and this conversation isn’t for that. But really to study God’s Word and to put those boundaries up about what is right and what you’re willing to do as a Christian. 

[00:11:59] And so I think what I’m just struck by is that place where you did have that surrender moment and you said, “Okay, God, my family is going to look the way that You want it to look.”

Anne Cockrell: [00:12:12] Yes. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:12:12] “And Your will be done.” So how did you get to that place, standing at the washing machine, because that’s not an easy journey. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:12:23] No, it was not. Goodness, it could bring me to tears just reliving that, because I think my husband had gotten there before I did. My husband, his name is Will, you just know he’s the best of the best.

[00:12:38] And he didn’t force me to get there. He didn’t say, “No, Anne, we’re not going to do this exploratory surgery. No, you’re not going to get any more medicine.”

I don’t remember what month it was, but it was a few months before that that he was like, “Anne, I just need you to know, I feel like I’m done.”

[00:12:55] He had gone with me to every single doctor’s appointment and he continued to go, but he said, “I just need you to know that that’s where my heart is. I don’t feel like this is for us to continue anymore tests.” 

We agreed that I could do the exploratory surgery. because I just felt, I don’t know, just something felt like, “I just need to make it to that point to just see what’s going on so I can have a baby.” That just felt like a check mark. 

[00:13:19] And they did end up finding a few things, nothing major, but they were able to clean up some endometriosis. But that was, I guess, the biggest part of it. But yes, after that it was maybe two, three months later that I had gotten to the point of, “Okay,”

[00:13:34] Because of Will having the patience with me, I knew that he was praying for me, not necessarily to feel the way he was feeling, but just for, “God, take this desire away if she doesn’t need this anymore.”

And Will had even prayed, which I didn’t know this at the time. I woke up one morning, this was right after I had the diagnosis. I’m going back a few years now, but I woke up and I told him, I was like, “I had the best dream last night.”

[00:14:00] And he’s like, “What? What did you dream?” He was really close to one of his grandmothers and we at the time were living in her house. We had bought the house from her and I had a dream about her. 

And then my two grandmothers, who I was very close with. We had only had three miscarriages at the time of this dream, and each of them were holding a different baby in Heaven. 

[00:14:26] And so when I told him about that, he started crying. He was like, “I’ve just been praying that the Lord would just let you have some sort of peace, just like, “God let her feel some sort of, ‘This is okay.’”

[00:14:35] And so anyway, I do feel like the Lord can use dreams, and I felt like that was an answered prayer for something that felt so lost at the time. “God, where are You at?” Like, “Why did I just lose a third baby?” 

It felt like such a powerful thing of, “Okay, our God is a God of hope and we do have hope in Heaven, and Heaven is a real place,” and to be able to feel that.

[00:15:11] I have no idea if what I saw was what Heaven’s going to look like or anything. But it was beautiful and it was peaceful and that really changed the outlook of the many more losses that we would walk through. I don’t know. The Lord used that dream to give me peace and more peace that I would end up needing further on into our story.

Ashley Opliger: [00:15:24] I love the word peace, and that your husband was specifically praying that over you, because going through infertility and walking through losses and just the up and down of each cycle.

[00:15:36] A lot of times we use the word rollercoaster to explain the two-week wait and going through the meds and the shots and the finding the ovulation day and just all of it, and then waiting those two weeks and then another negative test. It’s just so much. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:15:24] It’s a job. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:15:24] Yes, it is, and there’s not a lot of peace in that.

[00:15:57] And the moms that I’ve talked to that have gone through that month after month, year after year, it’s exhausting. And it can become almost an idol in the sense of it controls their life. And I don’t say that to, again, to have any sort of shame because I’ve been there-

Anne Cockrell: [00:16:17] Yes, same.

Ashley Opliger: [00:16:17] … and I’ve experienced what that is. But I think you can get to the point where you’re so set on, “This is what I need to be happy. This is what I desire, and I’m going to figure out how to make a way for this to happen.” And it’s essentially our way of trying to control it. 

[00:16:37] And you might not think that that’s what’s happening, but when we’re going to a million doctors, getting a million lab tests done, taking all these different supplements, trying a different method, and I say all these things not because I’m speculating, I’m saying it because I’ve been there and I’ve done all of those things and thought that, “Oh, this supplement will help me with my progesterone,” and this and that.

[00:17:11] And there is wisdom in finding good doctors, and it is wise to find out what’s wrong if there is something wrong with our bodies. But I think we can take it to another level when we say we’re going to take things into our hands because we’re not getting the outcome. 

[00:17:18] And I say that lovingly as well, because I think there’s a lot of peace in the surrender-

Anne Cockrell: [00:17:25] Oh, yeah.

Ashley Opliger: [00:17:26] … of saying, “God, I do still desire this, the desire hasn’t left. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:17:30] Yes.

Ashley Opliger: [00:17:30] But I am taking my control, my will, my trying to figure out the solution, a way, and I’m going to receive what You have for me, And it may be that You do give me that gift in the way that I hope, maybe not in the timing that I wanted, or You may not. Or it may come in a different way.”

[00:18:04] And so would you share about how the gift of fostering and adopting, it didn’t replace the desire for biological children, but it did meet some needs inside of you, but also it opened your heart in a new way as a mom to become a mom to these children that needed your love and guidance? 

And I don’t know if you feel this way, but I’ve talked to so many moms that say, “They are my child.”

Anne Cockrell: [00:18:17] Yes. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:18:17] “They don’t have the same color of skin, they don’t have the same DNA, but they are my child. I love them like my own.”

Anne Cockrell: [00:18:25] Oh, yes, Yes. Those, I call ’em babies, they were not all babies. We had Mark, who was a baby, he was six months old when the other two joined our house. At the time that the other two joined us, they had already been in our home the year before. And before that they were with some of our best friends.

[00:18:42] And so we’ve now known these children since they were two and three. And when they came to live with us, they were now five and six, the second time that they came to live with us.

And it gets your mind off of yourself. It does, and I needed that. I needed a wake up call to say, “Look at these children. Look at,” I won’t go into necessarily everything that they were going through or anything, but they were in bad shape.

[00:19:07] And those babies needed someone to sit in a rocking chair and rock them. They needed someone to wash their hair. They needed someone to cook ramen noodles for them because at the time they didn’t have that. And oh, my goodness, they were so excited to get a little pack of stickers. It was like they had never seen stickers before.

[00:19:26] And God used that to just wake me up. And I felt like God was saying to my heart one day, “I have children for you to love. Now do it.” And I did. 

And it was so freeing. because you’ll hear people say, “I can’t do foster care. I would get way too attached.”

[00:19:45] And my answer to them now is, “Now you know you’re perfect for the job. If you’re scared you’ll get way too attached, that’s exactly what those babies need. They need someone to momma and to daddy them like nobody else is willing to. But if you’re willing to get too attached, go sign up today.”

Because oh, my goodness, I’m very passionate about foster care. Those kiddos were with us for a year and they went back and now they have gone back into the system again.

[00:20:16] But the system’s broken, and I wish that there was something more that we could do about it. And I don’t know what the answer to that is, because I know that the system, if we were living how the Lord intended on this world to be, we wouldn’t need foster care. But we’re in a broken world with broken families and broken people, and so we do need it.

[00:20:37] But to anyone struggling with infertility and multiple losses, know that you’re needed. There’s a baby out there. There’s a little girl, a little boy out there that does need your arms for them to hold when your arms are aching to hold your own baby, and a chair to rock ’em in or a storybook to be read to them or someone to help with homework.

[00:20:59] So those desires that I had did get met by those children that also had the desire of someone to do that with them. And so I just view foster care as being as much as like Jesus as you can be here on this earth because you’re giving your heart away and you pretty much can get hurt along the road, and you know that you’re signing up for that. But it’s so worth it to know that you’re doing what the Lord’s called you to do. For sure.

Ashley Opliger: [00:21:26] Absolutely. I believe that adoption is such a beautiful picture of how God adopts us as His sons and daughters. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:21:34] That’s right.

Ashley Opliger: [00:21:34] And such a picture of the body of believers being the hands and feet of Jesus and loving those that need good, loving homes.

[00:21:42] And something that you said about not getting too attached, I was actually having this conversation the other day about moms that are scared to get pregnant again because they’ve had a loss before and they’re worried that they’re going to have another loss and they’re not sure if that risk is worth it to go through everything they’ve gone through again. 

[00:22:03] Because almost every single mom that I’ve talked to who has lost a baby, they have said, “I would be willing to go through all of that again to carry my baby for the number of weeks that I got to carry them or to hold them in my arms for the amount of time that I got to hold them.”

[00:22:22] And I know for me, I was on bed rest for 11 weeks and delivered Bridget at 24 weeks, and I got to hold her for 24 hours. She was already in the arms of Jesus when she was born, but I got to hold her body in this little cradle and before she went to the funeral home. 

[00:22:39] And even though those were heartbreaking and painful moments, I would’ve gone through the 24 weeks again just to hold her for 24 hours. And so what I was saying is that to try again, to love, to put your heart out there, there is a risk in loving. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:22:59] Mm-hmm. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:22:59] Anyone that we love on this earth, even adults, if you think about it, everyone that you love, everyone’s going to die at some point. And that’s a really pessimistic thing to say, but it’s a truthful thing to say. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:23:10] Yes. Yes, right. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:23:10] And If we don’t ever want to experience grief or loss, the only way we can get away with that is by not loving anyone. And what kind of life is that? 

Anne Cockrell: [00:23:22] Right. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:23:22] And so I would say in the situation with being scared about another loss, the love that you have for that future child to me should be worth that risk of trying again, even though it’s scary and there’s so much fear.

[00:23:38] But also in the case of foster care, taking that risk and saying, “I’m going to love this child with everything I have. And even if they get reintegrated into their home and they’re taken out of our home, and I get attached and I have to grieve the loss of them, the loving was worth that risk.”

Anne Cockrell: [00:23:56] Oh yeah. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:23:56] It was worth it. And I think that’s what all of this comes back to is that love always wins. Love is always worth the cost of grief. And I think about even the loss of my dad recently. It’s so painful and has caused so much grief, but I think to myself, “But I had 36 years with him and that was worth it to experience such grief because where there’s deep grief, there was deep love.”

Anne Cockrell: [00:24:25] That’s right. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:24:25] And so I just wanted to share that because when you said the, “Don’t get attached,” I just thought, “The love is always worth it to get attached. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:24:34] That’s the truth. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:24:35] Even if you have that child in your home for a couple of months or a couple of years, those moments that you got to pour love into them in a healthy attachment and care and concern for them, that is going to stay with them for the rest of their lives.

Anne Cockrell: [00:24:50] Oh yeah. And the same with us. They do stay; you feel like they’re part of yours for the rest after. No, I appreciate you saying that, because yeah, if we’re going through the rest of our story, we experienced pregnancy after loss and that, oh, it is so hard.

Ashley Opliger: [00:25:08] We hope you’re finding encouragement in this episode so far. We want to take a moment to share some resources our ministry offers to support grieving moms like you.

On our website, bridgetscradles.com, you’ll learn more about our nonprofit and find many hope-filled resources, including free e-books to help you plan a memorial or funeral service for your baby, meaningful ways to honor your baby in your heart and home, and gentle guidance for navigating difficult days like due dates, Heaven Days, and holidays.

We invite you to join our community of grieving moms through our Christ-centered support groups, offered both in-person at our headquarters near Wichita, Kansas, and virtually through Hope Online. These gatherings provide a place to find comfort, connection, and biblical hope alongside other moms who understand your pain.

You can view upcoming dates and sign up on our website. While you’re there, we’d also be honored for you to share your baby’s story with us.

For ongoing support, we welcome you to join our private Cradled in Hope Facebook group—a safe space for grieving moms to find friendship and walk their healing journey together.

To stay connected with us and receive faith-filled encouragement, follow us on Facebook and Instagram at @bridgetscradles, @cradledinhope, and my personal page @ashleyopliger. 

Now, let’s get back to the episode.

Ashley Opliger: [00:26:27] So Anne, as we were talking about doing it all over again to hold our babies. I was thinking about your precious son, John-Micah, and the 27 beautiful minutes that you got to spend on earth with him. Would you mind sharing his story and how his life continues to shape you today?

Anne Cockrell: [00:26:47] Thank you for asking about him and just for giving me the opportunity to come on and share about him because I know that. yeah, anytime you get the chance to bring up their name, it just feels good..

[00:27:04] But yeah, John-Micah, so I told our story of infertility and then getting pregnant with Jane unexpectedly, but when I say John-Micah was very unexpected, he was like nowhere-in-sight unexpected. 

[00:27:17] At this point, by the end of 2022, we had had a baby and then adopted Mark by the end of that year. And so, silly me, we were sitting at our table one night. We were planning Jane’s first birthday party, my husband and I, and I looked at him and was like, “I just can’t wait for a peaceful year, like a year with no surprises. No more court dates, no more visits, no more social workers, no more infertility appointments, just, goodness, yeah, let’s just get used to us as a family.”

[00:27:50] And I think the Lord was like in Heaven like laughing at me because that would’ve been, that was the week before her first birthday, so the end of January, and I found out I was pregnant with John-Micah February 17th.

Ashley Opliger: [00:28:05] Wow.

Anne Cockrell: [00:28:06] So I was so shocked. I mean, there was no infertility medicine, there were no doctors, the good old fashioned way.

[00:28:13] And so, yeah, it just completely shocked me. And I’m ashamed to say there’s still a lot of guilt there, but feeling at first it was just like scared. because I was like, “We are about to have three kids three and under! Golly, how do we do this?” I was still working full-time.

[00:28:31] But it all sounds very silly and very worldly to worry about the things that I was concerned about. And now there’s still guilt that I have to pray about a good bit because I wasted a few weeks of questioning the Lord, of, “God,” like, we were not ready for this. We had just had a baby last year. We just adopted Mark. But I’m thankful for the Lord’s forgiveness in that.

[00:28:58] Because, yeah, the story of John-Micah, he wasn’t with us very long. Everything was fine. Pregnancy was just fine. It was honestly such an easy pregnancy and I went for, I guess it would’ve been my 21-week scan. So any other scan before this was just fine. Heart rate, fine, everything. He was growing good.

[00:29:19] But then at my 21-week scan, they kind of scared us and they took me, they were like, “Okay, we’re going to need to look at his heart. It doesn’t look like blood’s flowing correctly.”

[00:29:29] And so that scared us. But at the time, we were still at the hospital for this visit. And then they took me back, I think it was an EKG. Someone medical might correct me on that, but I’m pretty sure that’s what they did. 

And they’re like, “Oh,” that we were saying something, I don’t know what we were saying, but, “Oh, he’s just fine. No, no worries. He is just fine.” So we left thinking that everything was fine. 

[00:29:53] And I got a call the next day from the nurse, and this is where things get kind of icky because we still don’t know the truth behind all of this. But I got a call from the nurse saying. “You’re going to need to go to a fetal medicine specialist. It looks like he has something called gastroschesis.”

Gastroschesis is when the intestines are on the outside of the body. She also explained to me, she was like, “If your baby in utero has anything, you want it to be this, this is the easiest fix, like a 20-minute surgery after they’re born.”

[00:30:27] It might not be 20 minutes, but, “very short surgery, very short NICU stay. Baby is good. You deliver C-section, but everything else is just fine.”

So I put all my trust into the medical system. I, of course, was praying about it, praying for him, praying for our decisions that we were about to have to make.

[00:30:49] But I was told that I was not going to be able to be seen for five weeks. I have a lot of guilt with this too sometimes, because I was like, “Okay,” instead of calling around and making sure I was seen somewhere else.

[00:31:10] The nurse assured me when I was on the phone with the hospital that the fetal medicine doctor here in town, she was like, “Honey,” because I asked her. 

I said, “Are you sure? I mean, it seems like I would need to be seen sooner than that. They weren’t for sure that this is what it was.”

And she’s like, “Honey, he’s on vacation for two weeks and we’re just really busy,” that kind of thing. And she said the exact same thing that the other nurse said. “If your baby has anything in utero, this is what you want your baby to have.”

[00:31:32] And so I think I caught myself saying that I was trusting in the Lord and like, “Okay, God’s got this. God, I pray for a miracle. I pray for healing. But God, if the healing’s through surgery after he’s born, so be it.” But I fasted from all social media from that day on til the day that I had him and just thinking that he was going to be okay.

[00:31:58] But fast forward a few weeks and we were coming up less than a week now from the appointment. His appointment was set for July 18th, and this was the Wednesday before. 

[00:32:11] And John-Micah, I say he was going to be my structured baby because he had a schedule for when he moved. Like I knew he was going to move right after I ate breakfast, after I had a certain snack, I would drink like a collagen drink at 10 o’clock and eat lunch. 

Anytime he heard music, he was going to move a lot, and I just knew his little movements. And that Wednesday before the Tuesday of his appointment, he didn’t move the same. He moved, but it was just, as a momma, you just know. 

And so I told Will, I asked my little nurse friends and they were like, “No,” like, “he’s still so early.” Because at this point he would’ve been 25 weeks. “You don’t know their movements for sure right now. Some days they move, some days they don’t. But in the back of my head, I just was like. “Something, but it just feels different.”

But I also thought, since I was less than seven days away from his appointment, I thought I was getting really antsy and nervous about the appointment, and so I brushed it off to that.

[00:33:15] But as the weekend came, his movements changed again. It was like less and less that I would feel him, and so I was on the phone with a nurse that, this now was Sunday night, and I was like, “I haven’t hardly felt him all day. He didn’t move much, if any, at church this morning.”

And anyway, she was like, “I’m going to be praying all night long that you feel movement.”

[00:33:36] And that morning at about three o’clock in the morning, I had done anything I knew, I think. I had drank caffeine, I ate ice cream, rolled around in bed, tried to do anything that Google said to do to get your baby to move. And I felt him move for the last time right there. 

And I just started sobbing and just thanking God that I felt he moved. But it was just a little butterfly kick, I guess you would say, that kind of how your movements first feel when you first start feeling your babies move.

[00:34:04] So the next morning. I got up and first thing called the hospital and they told me to come in. And now Will had made it to every single appointment before this, every infertility appointment, baby appointment, but I thought I was just being paranoid because my fetal medicine specialist appointment was the next day on that Tuesday.

[00:34:27] And so I was like, “Will, it’s okay if you don’t come.” He was at work. And so I didn’t tell any of our family. I called two of my close friends and just asked them to pray. I was like, “I just feel like something’s not right, but I think I’m just nervous about the appointment,” and I didn’t want to worry anybody if they didn’t have a reason to worry.

[00:34:47] So I dropped our two kiddos off with one of my best friends and went, and I just knew, as I was walking to the hospital, I just prayed. I was like, “Dear God, please be with me.”

And I walked in, got all the paperwork done and everything. Then they get me hooked up on a monitor and they thought they were hearing my heartbeat because of how slow the heartbeat was.

[00:35:08] And so they called the fetal medicine specialist, who I was supposed to see the next day, and he comes in the room and with a, I guess you would say a traveling little screen monitor to do an ultrasound. 

And he does an ultrasound real quick. And he was like, “This baby doesn’t have a gastroschesis. This baby has a tumor and he’s got hydrops. We’ve got to get him delivered right now,” because his heart rate at the time was 62 beats a minute. And so obviously that’s very slow for a baby. 

[00:35:41] And I do want to say his heart rate the whole time, I forgot to mention this earlier, was never over 130. And I brought that up at multiple different visits and I was like, “I feel like that’s always on the low end of normal. If hospital ranges are normal, that is literally the lowest normal for a baby boy in utero.” 

And I feel like I should just say, “Momma, go with your gut if you feel, there’s a mother’s intuition about things.” And I just felt like that was not right. But like I said, I tried to put my faith in the medical system of, “No, that’s normal. That’s normal.”

[00:36:19] But anyway, they started taking my clothes off in the hallway at that hospital, and I had a lady there that I knew that her little girl went to school with Mark at preschool, and she real quick was like, “Hey, you know, can I call somebody for you?” 

[00:36:40] So as they were rolling me back to surgery, I called Will. And he was obviously panicked and tried to get to the hospital as quick as he could. And I called my mom. 

And yeah, they said within 45 seconds that he was delivered, and I had to be put to sleep since it was an emergency C-section. But right before, right before I went to sleep, as they were tying my arms down and doing an IV and the mask and all that, sweet man, he just looked at me. He had a mask on, too, for surgery, and he just said, he said, “What’s your son’s name?” 

And at the time, Will and I had not for sure decided on John-Micah, but I just told him, I said, “I think we’re going to name him John-Micah.”

And he said, “Well, I’m going to tell John-Micah that you love him so much.” And so that really meant a lot to me because John-Micah did live for 27 minutes, but I never got to meet him while he was alive because I was put to sleep.

[00:37:36] And so as they were working on him, trying to get him to breathe on his own, and he had something called hydrops, and so he was very swollen when he was first born, so they were not able to get a trach. And so if they would’ve been able to do that, from what I understand, they could have potentially put him on life support, but since they were unable to do that, that is when he passed away.

[00:38:00] But yeah, it was a whirlwind, a blur of the day, or at least that morning until stuff kind of calmed down that afternoon.

Ashley Opliger: [00:38:11] Anne, I’m so, so sorry for the loss of John-Micah and for that experience. I’m sure that was very traumatic and overwhelming, especially the diagnosis being wrong and just everything coming to light in that doctor’s appointment when you were there alone without your husband, and just being rushed into surgery and all of this happening.

[00:38:34] My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry that you walked through that. I’m thankful that you have a strong faith, and I know that Jesus walked you through-

Anne Cockrell: [00:38:46] Oh yeah, 

Ashley Opliger: [00:38:46] … that grief. So would you share what that grieving journey looked like with Jesus?

Anne Cockrell: [00:38:53] My last thought as they were putting me to sleep was, “God, please take me. Please let him live,” because Will didn’t realize that John-Micah might not make it.

[00:39:03] Will just knew, “Okay, we’re about to have a NICU stay,” something like that. He didn’t know that this did not look good at all. And when I woke up, I remember being really confused because I really thought that I was going to go to Heaven. I really did. 

[00:39:19] And so when I woke up in the hospital, I didn’t have John-Micah with me. I was by myself. I was very confused what all had happened. But Will walked in holding John-Micah and he wasn’t there anymore. So it was really, really hard. It was sad, the feeling of seeing your husband holding. I mean, there’s no good way to say it, but a dead baby. And it’s awful. It’s just a sad, sad thing.

[00:39:47] He was so tiny, but also so perfect. And he did have a tumor, but I know that the Lord was with us there and you could feel His Spirit in the hospital room with us in recovery. 

They let us have our families. By this time our families had gotten to the hospital and they let our parents walk back to recovery and see me and see John-Micah.

[00:40:12] And really, my goodness, after that is when the Lord just brought in, I would just say the troops for us, our church family. We had actually watched our church family love on our pastor and his wife after they lost their three-year-old little boy. He passed away very unexpectedly and we had watched them love on our pastor and that literally is what caused us to join the church.

[00:40:40] We just were so, just to see that type of love and care, and then to now be the ones receiving that same love. And we did; I don’t think we could have made it through without the support of our church family and family and close friends.

[00:40:57] But the Holy Spirit was there. And someone shared this with me later, but my best friend, one of my best friends, she’s a photographer here in town and she was out of town at the time, but she had someone who worked for her at the time come take pictures of John-Micah and us at the hospital. And so I’m so grateful, so grateful to have those pictures. 

But she’s not a believer and she told my friend, “I don’t know how they felt so at peace,” she said. “But I felt so at peace when I was in that room.” She said, “and I wasn’t prepared to feel that way with a family that had just lost a baby.”

[00:41:38] And you really could just feel the Lord’s presence there. I knew that He hadn’t left us. It was almost like I was more getting to hold a piece of Heaven instead of … Of course there were signs of death. Of course. Unfortunately, that’s just how things go. But I also felt so connected to Heaven as I was holding John-Micah. 

[00:42:05] And that’s one big thing, yeah, you talking about I would live through that again, I would. If someone asked me, like, “Would you want to do that tonight,” I would say, “Yeah, I would,” just to get to hold him again and to feel, and of course I still feel that connection to Heaven, but getting to feel that baby in your arms. 

And it was obviously one of the worst days, if not the worst day of my life, but also one of the sweetest days, because we got to meet our baby.

[00:42:37] Will says that that was the worst day for him. But the day that we had his funeral, I think, was the worst day for me just because that part is over of getting to hold him. And things like love, feel like you’re getting to love on your baby.

Ashley Opliger: [00:42:57] Yes, it’s definitely a ‘Holding Both’ moment, where-

Anne Cockrell: [00:43:01] Yes. 

Ashley Opliger: [00:43:02] … you’re holding your lifeless baby and seeing the signs of death and the coldness of it. But you also have so much love and this, unconditional love, and you’re soaking in these moments. 

I remember just trying to preserve every moment, and I would kiss Bridget on her nose and her lips and just freeze the moment because I knew that that time was fleeting.

[00:43:28] And I said the same thing in my book, that was the best and worst day of my life because although it was so heartbreaking losing her, it was also the day that I got to meet her and hold her body and love on her. So I completely resonate with what you said. 

And I loved how you said ‘holding a piece of Heaven,’ because you really feel that you are because their body’s there, but their soul’s in Heaven. And as you said, they’re so tiny, but they’re perfect, and they’re fearfully and wonderfully made, and you can just feel that when you’re holding them. 

And so Anne, I just thank you for sharing John-Micah’s story and your testimony and walking through infertility and miscarriage. But before we close, I really would love for our listeners to know more about Hannah’s Heart, the radio program that you host along with Kendra White, with American Family Radio. 

I’ve had the honor to be on the program with you, and it is just such an amazing Christ-centered resource for grieving moms and parents to listen to, clinging to Christ through infertility and miscarriage. That’s kind of your tagline for the radio show.

[00:44:38] So would you share about how you got involved with American Family Radio and how the Lord has used that part of your journey to bring you healing and to help other people on their own journey? 

Anne Cockrell: [00:44:51] I actually started out, as we were walking through infertility I actually worked from home, and one of my good friends, he actually is on leadership there at AFA. And he called one day and was like, “Hey, I just have a job open for you. Would you want it?”

[00:45:07] It was just answering phones, not just answering phones, but that is what it was at the time. I worked in donor support. And I didn’t want to do that job, but I knew I needed out of the house, and this was before foster care had started. 

And so I started there, and then our infertility journey started right as I started working there. And as I was there, I felt during that time so isolated and so alone as I was walking through infertility. because at the time, I didn’t really know anyone else, especially not my age, going through that.

I was hosting baby showers every other week, it felt like, for my close friends. And yet there was no one else needing to go to the doctor every few weeks to test to see where their blood work was at.

[00:45:57] And so I went to the leadership there at AFR and just told them the idea, and then I was like, “I think it would be neat to have a show,” where AFR is heard, honestly, around the world because of our app, but it’s available in each state of the United States. And I was like, “I think it would be a really neat resource for AFA to have something for infertility and miscarriage.”

[00:46:21] And instead of just handing off the idea, they were like, “All right, go back, get some more information. Give us some ideas.”

And I was like, “Oh, no, no, no, no, not for me to talk. I just think it would be neat to have it.”

And they’re like, “No. Are you willing to do it? Because, I mean, we don’t have anybody else.”

[00:46:38] So anyway, that is how it came to be. And someone told me about Kendra, and so Kendra and I met for coffee, and we were like, “Oh my goodness. It feels so good to have someone else to talk to about all this crazy mess of infertility.” And so yeah, we just started from there. 

[00:46:55] AFA is a very large ministry. Hannah’s Heart, is a very, we call it a little baby ministry because we have a very small group of ladies here at Tupelo that’ll gather together. We have our little parties every now and then, but really just to be there to support each other.  And, “Hey, I have a doctor’s appointment coming up,” or, “We’re getting our home study done,” things like that.

[00:47:16] But Hannah’s Heart is getting to be a part of so many people’s stories and to hear … I mean, you cover some hard stuff here, but then to also hear the hope and how the Lord worked through those really, really hard situations also lets you see, “God, You’re not a God to forsake us. You’re not not in any situation.” And you can see His handiwork in every story if you look for it.

[00:47:42] And so I’m so thankful to get to be a small part of people’s stories, especially when we hear the same things, that, “Y’all just encouraged me,” or, “I learned about this resource.” And so that’s very encouraging to hear stories like that.

Ashley Opliger: [00:47:57] Amazing how God planted the idea and then they knew that you were the right person to lead it, and God’s orchestrating, and how God orchestrated for you to meet Kendra, and it’s such a beautiful ministry.

[00:48:12] I know you said it’s a baby ministry, but honestly, I feel like with Bridget’s Cradles, we’re a small ministry in a tiny town in Kansas, but the Lord has used our obedience and a tiny team to bring hope and healing and comfort to families and hospitals all across the country. 

[00:48:31] And so don’t minimize the work that is being done in Mississippi. Just know that each episode that you record is going out across the airwaves and is meeting moms and families right where they are. So thank you for entering into that space and meeting those needs and having those conversations. Would you share the inspiration around the name Hannah’s Heart?

Anne Cockrell: [00:48:54] Sure. Hannah, in 1 Samuel, if you know her story, she struggled with infertility for years. She even had a husband with a second wife who was able to have babies. And you can just, if you read through 1 Samuel, just hear how lonely and sad she was and that she just wanted a baby. 

But she also promised the Lord, “God, if You give me that baby, I promise to give them back to you.” And so we want to be that, Lord. When You answer our prayers, we want to also use those prayers to bring You glory. 

And so we couldn’t think of a better name to it than Hannah’s Heart. And that’s who we would encourage anyone to be like once the Lord does give you that promise and that answered prayer to what you’ve been praying for so long.

Ashley Opliger: [00:49:42] That’s a perfect name. Thank you for sharing. Anne, it’s been such a blessing to hear more of your story and just your encouragement through the many trials that you have walked through. 

Would you be willing to close us in prayer and just speak some encouragement over our moms that are listening who have walked through infertility, miscarriage? Maybe they’re struggling with whether or not they should consider adoption or foster care. 

There’s so many women that are listening who are at different stages of their grief and are at different places in growing their family, but would you share a prayer for all the moms listening who find themselves in those places?

Anne Cockrell: [00:50:21] For sure. Earlier in the episode, you mentioned how it’s hard to then make that decision to have another baby after loss, and if I could encourage anyone to just literally leave that in the Lord’s hands, because we got pregnant with Nora, my one-and-a-half-year-old, right after John-Micah. Not intentionally; if you’ve walked through loss, that relations like that are sometimes just not on the mind.

[00:50:48] But we found out we were pregnant with her October 29th, and October 30th was John-Micah’s due date, and I was so scared. I was. Every day was anxiety. But oh, my goodness, the Lord knew that we needed that sweet life in our life. 

[00:51:05] And not for one second does she replace John-Micah or take away that hurt or missing him. But she does just remind you how good and faithful that the Lord is, and we can see that through her. But I would love to pray over your audience. 

Father God, I come to You right now to just thank You for this opportunity to get to know Ashley more, and the honor of being on her show, Lord. And I thank You for Ashley’s heart and for how much her book has done for my life.

God, she’s met me early, early in the morning. You’ve met me early, early in the morning reading her book, God. And You just knew when I was going to need that. And so I thank You for her words in that, that You put on her heart. 

Lord, baby loss feels fresh no matter if it was 12 years ago or two weeks ago, and so I just appreciate her being willing to go back to the nitty gritty and to the hard times, Father, to help other people walk through such hard times.

[00:52:07] God, I pray for her audience as they’re potentially walking through loss themselves and that they just cling to You during that time. And I pray that You just bring them closer to You and that You show them grace and Your love and Your peace, and that You show them that there is hope through You and hope in Heaven, God, because Heaven is a real place that our real babies go. And I just thank You for that, God.

[00:52:31] God, thank You for Bridget and her life and thank You that we got to talk about her today. And thank You for my John-Micah. Lord. Thank You that we’re going to get to see them one day. God, we love You. In Your Name I pray. Amen.

Ashley Opliger: [00:52:46] Amen. Thank you so much. 

Anne Cockrell: [00:52:49] Thank you so much for having me, Ashley. It was an honor.

Ashley Opliger: [00:52:54] Thank you for listening to the Cradled in Hope Podcast. We pray that you found hope and healing in today’s episode. 

Don’t forget to subscribe so you don’t miss new episodes when they release each month. You can also find this episode’s show notes and a full transcript on our website at bridgetscradles.com/podcast. 

Be sure to sign up for our email list on our website, so that we can keep you updated on upcoming podcast episodes, support groups, and other hope-filled resources.

You can also purchase my book, Cradled in Hope, wherever books are sold. It’s a biblical guide for grieving moms to find hope after miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Written from the depths of my own heartbreak, I share vulnerably about losing my daughter, Bridget, and how God met me in my grief. Through Scripture, theology, and soul-deep reflections, Cradled in Hope offers biblical wisdom, practical guidance, and the eternal hope of seeing your baby again in Heaven through faith in Jesus.

To accompany the book, I’ve also created the Cradled in Hope Guided Journal—a beautiful companion that includes space to write your responses to the discussion questions, full Scripture passages from each chapter, and additional reflection pages and guided charts to help you process your grief and draw you closer to Jesus. You can download the free digital version on my author website at AshleyOpliger.com/Journal, or order the printed version on Amazon if you prefer to write by hand.

Are you looking for ways to use your grief for good? Visit our website to learn how you can volunteer or donate to Bridget’s Cradles in memory of a baby in Heaven. 

Do you want a quick way to make an eternal impact? Share this episode with a friend or leave a review on Apple Podcasts to help more grieving moms find the same comfort you’ve received here.

Thank you so much for listening and sharing. Until next time, we will be praying for you. And remember, as Jesus cradles our babies in Heaven, He cradles us in hope. Though we grieve, we do not grieve without hope.