There is something about hearing the words, “I’m so sorry, but I don’t see a heartbeat” that makes your whole world shatter in an instant.

That’s how I felt on September 5, 2024, when I went in for my sonogram. Allow me to give you a bit of backstory.

On August 27th, I went in to have a colonoscopy due to nausea and vomiting symptoms that I was having for a few months. I had taken a pregnancy test and it came back negative, so I thought it had something to do with my IBS.

So, I went in for the procedure and before they had me put on my gown they had me pee into a cup. Like always, I thought nothing of it because it has come back negative so many times before, even though we have been trying for almost two years with no results. However, this time was different. The nurse came to me and said “I’m sorry, but we can’t perform your procedure today.”

Of course I asked why and that’s when she told me “You’re pregnant.” Hearing those words shocked me. I thought I would never hear those words, that’s why I was looking into fertility treatments.

For the first time in a few months I was so excited for this new adventure. I called Pete right away and told him the news, and he was as excited as I was. I told some of the people I knew and, of course, had to tell my jobs because I work in veterinary medicine, which means a lot of X-rays and a bunch of other things you shouldn’t or can’t be doing while pregnant.

Everyone was so happy for me because they knew how long I have been trying to get pregnant. My mom wasn’t convinced so she took me to get my blood tested, and sure enough it came back as a yes you are pregnant. So, I called all the doctors that I needed to let them know the news.

My OBGYN got me in for quantitative hcg tests right away. I got my blood drawn a few days after I found out, and my numbers came back pretty high. This got me even more excited. Then it was Labor day, and I had to work, and the labs were closed so I had to wait until the 3rd to get my second blood draw.

My results came back on the 4th, and my numbers had dropped quite a bit. Of course that got me worried especially after talking to my OB, so I started to Google every possible thing I could. Then, my OB called me back saying they would get me in for a sonogram first thing on the 5th because it could be that I was having a miscarriage or that I was further along than they thought.

As I woke up on the 5th, I was filled with nerves, rightfully so. Unfortunately, Pete couldn’t go with me because he couldn’t get off of work in time, so I took my best friend Adriena, and that was the best decision beside Pete. I waited a while in the lobby until they called me back. She put the gel on my belly and I was so ready to see my baby.

And there it was as soon as she put the probe to my stomach I saw them. My first words were “Awe, it looks like a little jellybean.” Adriena told me it looked like a little mouse, which made me laugh. What I wasn’t ready for was the deep sigh and soft look that fell over the sonographer’s face as she turned to me and said, “Riley, I’m sorry, but I can’t find a heartbeat, you were 9 weeks along.”

All the wind was knocked out of my body hearing those words. All I could say in response was, “Oh.” She left the room and all I could do was cry into Adriena’s arms. I called my mom and told her and I called my dad. I was able to reach Pete at work and let him know and he left work right away.

The sonographer came back in and told me I needed to get scheduled for a d&c for that next Monday, the 9th. I had to sign so many papers and hear what they were going to do to take my baby out of me. It crushed my soul beyond repair.

The days leading up to the procedure I hated looking at myself because I had started to show. And telling all the family that were so excited for us and my coworkers killed me, I cried every time I said the words “I lost my baby.”

The day of the procedure was a time filled with many emotions, we struggled to find the entrance of the hospital St. Joseph’s. I cried. We finally got checked in and more papers signed, then came the waiting to be called back. The nurse that took my vitals, she was so kind and gentle, her words and her soft voice brought me some kind of comfort.

Next I got taken back to the room where I would change into my gown and get my IV placed. My nerves started to set in and agony tore at my heart knowing this was the end of this journey (for now). Everything went smoothly. I talked to about a million people before anything happened. I got to see Pete one last time before they wheeled me off to the OR. Everyone in the OR was so kind and comforting.

Then I drifted off to then wake up no longer pregnant. As I woke up I received a seashell blessed with holy water symbolizing my baby, I also received a square made by Bridget’s Cradles and I couldn’t have been more thankful. I forgot to mention that I asked for my baby to be blessed before they sent it off to pathology. The blessing was said over the loudspeakers through the whole hospital.

I received a small blue square from Bridget’s Cradles and it was so amazing. I really felt connected to my baby. It made me cry knowing someone understands and cares about mother’s going through something like this.

I leaned into the podcasts and the support groups the days after my procedure and through the current days, it’s my little escape from my pain and grief.

The days have been really hard, but I have found that a lot of other women have experienced the same thing I have, some even multiple. My heart breaks for these women and their families. Everyone always says text me if you need anything, I’m so sorry but they never text you first or send you a care package or things like that. I appreciate the sorrys and such but I wish they would reach out, there are days that I don’t feel like being the one to text first.

Adriena checks on me everyday and offers to help out with things and that makes me smile knowing I have such a great friend. I have made Random Acts of Kindness cards in memory of our baby, whom we have named Jellybean.

I plan on using every card that I made. Adriena said she’s going to take some too. Journaling has been helping me cope and to get my feelings out, as well as typing this. I still struggle to look at my body.

I didn’t want to go through this, I was hoping that I was further along. I was three weeks shy of knowing if I would get my baby girl that I wanted and three weeks shy of being in the “safe zone.”

My recheck is October 1st and I’m hoping everything goes well and that we can start trying again soon. I have blamed myself a lot for this miscarriage and there have been a lot of what ifs, and it’s eating me alive. Everyone says “It wasn’t meant to be,” “God knew you weren’t ready,” or “You just weren’t healthy enough.”

Honestly, if it wasn’t meant to be then I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant in the first place. My plan is to get healthy and get right with my body and try again. I am so ready for this and it’s what I’ve wanted for a while.

I AM 1 IN 4! And this was my first pregnancy, you never think it’ll happen to you until it does. And it’s something no one talks about because it’s seen as taboo or people don’t know what to say because it makes them uncomfortable.

I believe wholeheartedly that it needs to be talked about more, and the men need an outlet because they are always told to be there for their significant other, but who’s going to be there for them? There are things that make everyone uncomfortable, but if no one talks about them then nothing will ever get done about them.

Just remember you are not alone, and reach out, talk about it to anyone who will listen, feel your feelings as authentically as you can. Don’t stifle the way you feel, this is your lived experience and these are your feelings and they are valid. We are 1 in 4 and we stick together. Thank you for letting me share my experience with pregnancy loss, thank you for listening, and thank you for being someone who understands.

Written by Riley Jenson, mother of Jellybean, born on 9/5/2024 at 9 weeks.

Please leave some love and encouragement for the Jenson family in the comments below. We appreciate your prayers for their family.

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For more information about Bridget’s Cradles, visit here.

For hospital staff looking for bereavement resources, you can request a free donation of Bridget’s Cradles here.

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